Loss

My Mother died last month. October 25th, a beautiful sunny day that started out just the way I planned. My day started with my usual leisurely morning with the family, then I worked in the garden pruning, feeding and weeding. I came in for lunch, glanced at my phone. Several messages from my Aunt, and I knew...instantly that something had happened to my mother. My first thought was that she was in an accident, that she had wrecked her car and maybe hurt herself or someone else. I had a fleeting thought that maybe she had died. It would not be a surprise, in many ways.  My mother was a very ill woman. She suffered from mental illness, and addiction to pharmaceutical drugs, it consumed her over the last 25 years. I am not sure which came first, and I guess it doesn't really matter. What matters is that my mom died alone, isolated in her pain and addiction, having driven some many loved ones from her life. The last time I spoke to my mother was 3 years ago, and I told her I wanted no more contact with her.

I have been learning to overcome my anger towards my mother, and accept the sadness and hurt that I felt and covered up for so many years. So I think about the beautiful and outrageously funny woman that was my mom prior to my teens. The woman who encouraged me to try new foods, and to explore the world around me. The woman who dragged me through the streets of Florence, looking at churches, statues, and museums...and the opera! Oh, I did not want to go to the opera that night. I was in the 7th grade, and we were in Florence for a month. My mother dragged me, telling me "You will go, and you will like it if it kills you". So, of course I went. I loved it. We saw Aida in the open colosseum, at dusk everyone lit a candle and the place shined like a star. My mom opened doors for me, showed me that the world was to be lived in. For that I will always love her. I will never really understand what happened to my mom, why she was unable to make her way back to a healthy life. I can only live my life as best as I am able, like she taught me, in honor of her memory. Dear Mother, rest in peace. You are missed.